3/21/16 -- So, my Counselor is gone, as in moved on to a different city, closer to where he lives. I am totally bummed about this, however I did receive a phone call from the departmental "coach" which is essentially the supervisor. He wanted to discuss the letter that I had sent expressing my distaste about my Counselor leaving the local clinic. The Coach happens to be someone that I know, met at my local church a couple of years ago. He knows my son and even supported him while he was in YWAM, that made the conversation very easy to have. He was very concerned about me being ok with my Counselor leaving. The clinic, apparently takes the type of letter that I sent, very seriously. He wanted to know more about my feelings concerning my Counselor leaving; so I just came out and told him. I told him how my Counselor was able to; read an expression within an expression, how he went to his bookshelf, pulled out a Bible and opened it right the same scripture that someone had texted me earlier that morning, that he wasn't afraid to challenge me about my Faith - whether I was going to church or not and such like that,
he is someone that I told him things that I haven't told anyone else. The "Coach" was just blown away about the bible thing, but I had also added that my Counselor was compassionate and I firmly believe that God spoke thru him as I had asked God to do. We had a very interesting conversation, sort of made me feel a little better. The one thing that I expressed is the fact that I have to go such a long time before I see the Counselor that I have been assigned to - I am not sure about going that long without having someone to talk to. As a result of my expressing that concern the Coach gave me is direct office number incase I REALLY need someone to talk to. Even tho he doesn't see patients on a regular basis he is willing to see patients who are in crisis. That made me feel somewhat better, as well, because that means that I do have someone to go to should I need too. Also, he told me that he knew of another Counselor that I could see should I need to see someone and don't really want to wait til May. You see, I saw my Counselor for the last time March 4, he left on March 11th - a week later which means that I have to go pretty much 2 months before I see the new Counselor and that is just too long, for me. Knowing that another Holiday is on it's way and I know that pretty much everyone that I know will be spending time with their families, with exception to me; knowing that there is a good chance that my own family will most likely be in town/area for the holiday and I won't be seeing them.
It is very difficult to not go the place that says, "everyone close to me is leaving me" and I really trying not to go there. It almost feels like that. I don't want to go there because that is such a bad place for me. Yet, it is tempting because the two people that have really helped me thru this either have gone or will be going, very soon. My Counselor who was there at the darkest time and has helped me all the way to this point and the family whose children have always been an extremely bright spot in my life. I won't have those wonderful children around so closely anymore, which is totally not cool at all. I know, I know they are only moving an hour away and I can go after work, up to spend time with them. I could take the girls to different places in Janesville, possibly have the older girls on a sleep over and do something fun with them. At the same time it just isn't the same as having them close to where I could see them any time I want.
Yesterday, I went to visit my Friend and family in a different town - for an early holiday dinner. They aren't going to be around next week for the actual holiday. Her husband's mom and niece were there as well, plus they were expected another pair of guests. That surprise guest was their oldest daughter, who hasn't been home for about a year and half. her daughter brought her boyfriend with her. Needless to say his mom was quite surprised as was his niece, my Friend was quite the sneaky little lady, shame on her. It was a great surprise and reunion then dinner. The dessert was yummy as well.
I did not go to church, no particular reason other than i just didn't wasn't to. I do realize the that really isn't a good reason but that is just the way it was. I have zero explanation as to why I really didn't want to go but I didn't and I obeyed my brain, now I don't know whether that was a good or bad thing but oh well.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
New Things......?.......?
3/12/16 -- Yesterday was stark and reality hit home for myself and my mom. I did go to the Rehab Hospital to visit my dad and ultimately pick up my mom and bring her home. You see, a friend of hers took her there, in the morning, with the understanding that I would be coming up to get her.
So, when I got there they were in the dining room waiting for dinner. My dad was just resting his head on the table, he did acknowledge that I was there but then put his head back on the table. I have had an aversion to anything like a nursing home, I would rather go to an orphanage, but seeing my dad in a place similar is actually harder than I thought.
I know that my mom never expected to have to be caring for dad so soon, if at all. This whole thing seems to have happened, sort of, abruptly. It seems to me that it came along rather quickly, at least to me. To be honest I don't know how many times that I can handle going up there to see him because I just am holding back the urge to cry, as it my mom.
I know, I know that aging is all apart of life and some people can just accept the aging of their parents; for me it seems just out of place. My dad was a intimidating, mean looking, and just the type of man that "it is my way or the highway!"
He was never "emotionally" involved with his daughter, investing in us in any way. Their were only 2 times that he took me fishing. The only other way that I could spend time with him was to go where he was, whether that was in the basement working on his projects, or out on the garage working on a car or motorcycle. He would allow me to watch and/or help as long as I didn't get in his way. The bad thing was he really didn't talk much so teaching wasn't how I learned about cars. It was more from watching, and sometimes I would ask question and he would answer. I didn't care how dirty I got because a bath/shower would take care of the dirt, I just wanted to be around my dad.
So, consequently seeing him like this; needing help, having difficult time communicating his thoughts, blurting out "no" most of the time. Those things are just hard for me t out my head around. Then to help my mom have to go thru all the paperwork that she can to get herself familiar with the finances of the household because dad always took care of that stuff. I have to continue helping her get things cleaned up and gone thru because there is so much junk around that dad has kept for no particular reason.
My mom, I can see, is having a hard time with adjusting to the idea that she will be having to take care of her husband, sooner than she expected.
I still have no one to talk to to help sort this out, in my brain.
Since this has happened, I am glad that it did after I have come thru the super dark part of my depression.
So, when I got there they were in the dining room waiting for dinner. My dad was just resting his head on the table, he did acknowledge that I was there but then put his head back on the table. I have had an aversion to anything like a nursing home, I would rather go to an orphanage, but seeing my dad in a place similar is actually harder than I thought.
I know that my mom never expected to have to be caring for dad so soon, if at all. This whole thing seems to have happened, sort of, abruptly. It seems to me that it came along rather quickly, at least to me. To be honest I don't know how many times that I can handle going up there to see him because I just am holding back the urge to cry, as it my mom.
I know, I know that aging is all apart of life and some people can just accept the aging of their parents; for me it seems just out of place. My dad was a intimidating, mean looking, and just the type of man that "it is my way or the highway!"
He was never "emotionally" involved with his daughter, investing in us in any way. Their were only 2 times that he took me fishing. The only other way that I could spend time with him was to go where he was, whether that was in the basement working on his projects, or out on the garage working on a car or motorcycle. He would allow me to watch and/or help as long as I didn't get in his way. The bad thing was he really didn't talk much so teaching wasn't how I learned about cars. It was more from watching, and sometimes I would ask question and he would answer. I didn't care how dirty I got because a bath/shower would take care of the dirt, I just wanted to be around my dad.
So, consequently seeing him like this; needing help, having difficult time communicating his thoughts, blurting out "no" most of the time. Those things are just hard for me t out my head around. Then to help my mom have to go thru all the paperwork that she can to get herself familiar with the finances of the household because dad always took care of that stuff. I have to continue helping her get things cleaned up and gone thru because there is so much junk around that dad has kept for no particular reason.
My mom, I can see, is having a hard time with adjusting to the idea that she will be having to take care of her husband, sooner than she expected.
I still have no one to talk to to help sort this out, in my brain.
Since this has happened, I am glad that it did after I have come thru the super dark part of my depression.
Friday, March 11, 2016
And It Continues.....
3/10/16 -- So, after a fall backwards down the stairs, my dad has been in the hospital but today is being transferred to a Rehab Hospital, the same larger town where the hospital is. So, that means driving up there a couple of times of week, to see him. He needs to relearns swallowing, so he doesn't choke anymore and relearn walking so he doesn't fall as much anymore.
Now, mom is needing to get the house ready for when he is released to come home. Things like getting a good sturdy rail or two along side the steps going up to the porch and putting a lock on the door going down to the basement. Dad has accumulated a mound of magazines next to his chair so mom needs help going thru all that. She can't get on the floor yet, because of the recent surgery that she had on her knee.
This is just one thing that I am having to wrap my mind around, my dad no longer being the "strong" man that we once was. Then there is my middle sister, who hasn't wanted us involved in her family's life at all for the last 10ish years - and when something happens comes in and tries to take over like she knows what has been going on, at home. She has absolutely ZERO idea what mom has been dealing or with from dad nor does she know what I have encountered with dad myself; like when I had to have the police help me to do a well check on him just 4 days after mom's second knee surgery.
My Sister has this attitude of " I am better than you" and when she talks to mom it feels like she is talking down to her; something of which I personally don't appreciate. I just want to "smack her in the face" she drives me nuts with her attitude. I do, in some respect, regret even calling to let you know.
Now, mom is needing to get the house ready for when he is released to come home. Things like getting a good sturdy rail or two along side the steps going up to the porch and putting a lock on the door going down to the basement. Dad has accumulated a mound of magazines next to his chair so mom needs help going thru all that. She can't get on the floor yet, because of the recent surgery that she had on her knee.
This is just one thing that I am having to wrap my mind around, my dad no longer being the "strong" man that we once was. Then there is my middle sister, who hasn't wanted us involved in her family's life at all for the last 10ish years - and when something happens comes in and tries to take over like she knows what has been going on, at home. She has absolutely ZERO idea what mom has been dealing or with from dad nor does she know what I have encountered with dad myself; like when I had to have the police help me to do a well check on him just 4 days after mom's second knee surgery.
My Sister has this attitude of " I am better than you" and when she talks to mom it feels like she is talking down to her; something of which I personally don't appreciate. I just want to "smack her in the face" she drives me nuts with her attitude. I do, in some respect, regret even calling to let you know.
Adjusting....
3/11/16 -- Boy I tell you, adjusting to new circumstances and not allowing them to overwhelm me is a challenge. I feel like I am unconsciously following some of the suggestions that
my, now former Counselor, as taught me.
I had gone to see my mom and help her out with one of her many projects to get things ready for when my dad ultimately comes home, from rehab. She was on the phone with the Hospital, where dad has been for almost a week now, checking to see if and/or when he was to be transferred to the rehab hospital. Turns out he was to be transferred about 3:30 or so. When she got off the phone she just started to cry. As much as I wanted to join her in that I just felt like I needed to be there for her, be strong for her, and help to redirect to what she wanted me there for. I did, of course, make sure she was ok - allowing her to voice what she was feeling. Basically, she is just feeling overwhelmed - she was thinking that her life was to supposed to get easier. I said, "what after we moved out?" and she said, "yes". To which I responded, "yes, but along with us moving out they got older." She just laughed and told me that she didn't mind the getting old, it is all the stuff that comes with it. I agreed with her however pointing out that it seems more noticeable with dad. We agreed that most definitely wasn't was we expected.
My dad is now the complete opposite man that he was as us girls were growing up.
There are so many things that have come at me over this last week that I just don't know how I am going to be dealing with this. You see, my Counselor {now former} is leaving today, is his last day. Plus, I won't get to see another counselor til May. To me, that is a very long time without talking to someone. I am thinking that I will be ok, but I am on her waiting list/cancellation list, for the month of April.
I know that I can't completely focus on myself but at the same time I have too, in order to keep myself in a healthy place. When I am with mom I am strong for her but when I get home I have to keep myself healthy so I don't go back down the "hole" that I came out of and have worked hard to get farther and farther away from.
I do know that one of the most important things that have to continue doing is reading God's Word. I also need to maintain contact with my mentor so she can be encouragement for me and keep me in prayer. It is important that I know that I am not alone and God does know what is going on and He is completely in control.
I do have my own health issues to content with so I do have to really try to keep things in focus and not allow myself to get or feel overwhelmed. However, that is easier to say or think than to do, so I do need to keep things in place to take care of myself.
my, now former Counselor, as taught me.
I had gone to see my mom and help her out with one of her many projects to get things ready for when my dad ultimately comes home, from rehab. She was on the phone with the Hospital, where dad has been for almost a week now, checking to see if and/or when he was to be transferred to the rehab hospital. Turns out he was to be transferred about 3:30 or so. When she got off the phone she just started to cry. As much as I wanted to join her in that I just felt like I needed to be there for her, be strong for her, and help to redirect to what she wanted me there for. I did, of course, make sure she was ok - allowing her to voice what she was feeling. Basically, she is just feeling overwhelmed - she was thinking that her life was to supposed to get easier. I said, "what after we moved out?" and she said, "yes". To which I responded, "yes, but along with us moving out they got older." She just laughed and told me that she didn't mind the getting old, it is all the stuff that comes with it. I agreed with her however pointing out that it seems more noticeable with dad. We agreed that most definitely wasn't was we expected.
My dad is now the complete opposite man that he was as us girls were growing up.
There are so many things that have come at me over this last week that I just don't know how I am going to be dealing with this. You see, my Counselor {now former} is leaving today, is his last day. Plus, I won't get to see another counselor til May. To me, that is a very long time without talking to someone. I am thinking that I will be ok, but I am on her waiting list/cancellation list, for the month of April.
I know that I can't completely focus on myself but at the same time I have too, in order to keep myself in a healthy place. When I am with mom I am strong for her but when I get home I have to keep myself healthy so I don't go back down the "hole" that I came out of and have worked hard to get farther and farther away from.
I do know that one of the most important things that have to continue doing is reading God's Word. I also need to maintain contact with my mentor so she can be encouragement for me and keep me in prayer. It is important that I know that I am not alone and God does know what is going on and He is completely in control.
I do have my own health issues to content with so I do have to really try to keep things in focus and not allow myself to get or feel overwhelmed. However, that is easier to say or think than to do, so I do need to keep things in place to take care of myself.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Update.....
3/3/16 -- So, here's an update on what has been going on with my headache. I finally decided that I needed to call my Neurologist to let her know what is going on, along with hoping she had a solution to help relieve me of at least some of the pain. Between a couple of emails and a chat on the phone with her office she prescribed something called a Medrol pack. This Medrol pack is a steroid pack that is supposed to decrease inflammation and other things. So, I started this Steroid pack and over a period of a couple days I did notice that the pain finally started to decrease in intensity. Also, my Primary Care Doctor took me off the BP medication to see if that could be the source of the dizziness that I have been experiencing.
I took that last of the Medrol Pack Tuesday morning after waking up with a headache, an extreme headache, ended up, after work, coming home, eating lunch, then taking a Tizanidine, and then taking a nap. The weird thing with that nap was I kept having these really stupid and kind of scary dreams. However, when I finally woke up and got up the headache was somewhat diminished. I was able to to go to Church and help out with a program that I help out with every Wednesday night, which was a good thing. I do enjoy doing this but whenever this headache is in its intensity I just can handle children size chaos.
3/7/16 -- The headache returned with a vengeance, much to my dismay! I ended up communicating with my Neurologist that has been monitoring this headache crap. It started as an email, then I called them, at their request. We discussed more details about my symptoms. The downside was that she was out of the office - I was conversing with a nurse in her office. Anyway, Friday was the day that I was able to get a solution, however temporary, to my issue till I see her in about a week. I am now taking a stronger, long round of this Medrol Pack. Also, she wants me to rest and taking in plenty of fluids. The fluids issue is not a problem as I drink 48+oz of water every day. By the end of my day, after work, quick runs to the grocery store and home; after which I did rest, I also had picked the prescription the Neurologist sent to my pharmacy. I was to start the full dose of 10 that day then work my way down one tablet at a time. I will take the last tablet the day before I go to see her which is a very good thing. I was pretty much down for the count on Friday and all of Saturday. I would intermittently do different things but would have to lay down for a spell before doing anything. My head just felt so miserable and as a result I just didn't want to do anything. However, amazingly enough I did get some things accomplished but not all that I wanted to accomplish.
Then of course there was drama and my parents house on Saturday night that made it difficult to get to sleep right away. My dad fell down the basement stairs and was bleed from a gash on the back of his head. My mom had to all the ambulance plus a firetruck came, which was a good thing because the two emts that came would not have been able to get up my dad up from the basement, he is a big man like 6ft 4in tall and about 250-300lbs plus the hallway leading down to the basement is not exactly wide enough for more that one person at a time.
My mom did pretty good keeping composed, they local hospital couldn't handle the gash on the back of my dad's head so they sent him to a level 1 trauma center in the next town which is about 30 min. drive from my hometown. They sent him via chopper and a family friend took my mom as neither one of us has ever been to that part of the town plus the way I felt i wasn't sure about making the drive myself and mom's unfamiliarity with area and emotional state wouldn't have made it that easy to find our way. The staff in the Level 1 Trauma Center was able to the get the bleeding to stop but they admitted dad and are keeping for the next couple of days. They are going to do an MRI, and PT will be evaluating him as well. My mom and I spent the afternoon with him, yesterday, needless to say he is not the best patient. He still is having a hard time saying what he is thinking and that frustrates him. He kept wanting to get up but couldn't because of all the stuff he is hooked up too. He just isn't used to sitting and doing nothing for long stretches. Even tho he doesn't do a whole lot at home, he does move around.
When mom and I got back to her place I helped get some stuff put away that the EMTS had to move out of their way, plus I cleaned up the bottom of the stair area so that there was a clearer path to the rest of the basement. I think I found what dad must have been going for, when he went to the basement, I picked up a bloody container of what was frozen juice. You see dad forgot to make sure that the light to the basement was on before going ahead down those stairs, plus he isn't supposed to be going down any stairs because of the his history of falling - per his doctor. I gotta say, it was rather difficult to see the blood at the bottom of the stairs and on the towel that was down there. He could have hit is head on anything down there, there is so much crap along the stairs and right in the area that he landed.
I am still trying to process all this and remain strong for mom - she is recovering from her second knee replacement surgery at the same time very concerned about dad. Thankfully my little sister has been all settled in her new place, away from the bad care she was receiving so mom doesn't have to worry about her quite as much.
The thing I am grappling with is DAD going from a strong, intimidating, argumentative, to this weak man that seems to be loving to me than ever before.
I took that last of the Medrol Pack Tuesday morning after waking up with a headache, an extreme headache, ended up, after work, coming home, eating lunch, then taking a Tizanidine, and then taking a nap. The weird thing with that nap was I kept having these really stupid and kind of scary dreams. However, when I finally woke up and got up the headache was somewhat diminished. I was able to to go to Church and help out with a program that I help out with every Wednesday night, which was a good thing. I do enjoy doing this but whenever this headache is in its intensity I just can handle children size chaos.
3/7/16 -- The headache returned with a vengeance, much to my dismay! I ended up communicating with my Neurologist that has been monitoring this headache crap. It started as an email, then I called them, at their request. We discussed more details about my symptoms. The downside was that she was out of the office - I was conversing with a nurse in her office. Anyway, Friday was the day that I was able to get a solution, however temporary, to my issue till I see her in about a week. I am now taking a stronger, long round of this Medrol Pack. Also, she wants me to rest and taking in plenty of fluids. The fluids issue is not a problem as I drink 48+oz of water every day. By the end of my day, after work, quick runs to the grocery store and home; after which I did rest, I also had picked the prescription the Neurologist sent to my pharmacy. I was to start the full dose of 10 that day then work my way down one tablet at a time. I will take the last tablet the day before I go to see her which is a very good thing. I was pretty much down for the count on Friday and all of Saturday. I would intermittently do different things but would have to lay down for a spell before doing anything. My head just felt so miserable and as a result I just didn't want to do anything. However, amazingly enough I did get some things accomplished but not all that I wanted to accomplish.
Then of course there was drama and my parents house on Saturday night that made it difficult to get to sleep right away. My dad fell down the basement stairs and was bleed from a gash on the back of his head. My mom had to all the ambulance plus a firetruck came, which was a good thing because the two emts that came would not have been able to get up my dad up from the basement, he is a big man like 6ft 4in tall and about 250-300lbs plus the hallway leading down to the basement is not exactly wide enough for more that one person at a time.
My mom did pretty good keeping composed, they local hospital couldn't handle the gash on the back of my dad's head so they sent him to a level 1 trauma center in the next town which is about 30 min. drive from my hometown. They sent him via chopper and a family friend took my mom as neither one of us has ever been to that part of the town plus the way I felt i wasn't sure about making the drive myself and mom's unfamiliarity with area and emotional state wouldn't have made it that easy to find our way. The staff in the Level 1 Trauma Center was able to the get the bleeding to stop but they admitted dad and are keeping for the next couple of days. They are going to do an MRI, and PT will be evaluating him as well. My mom and I spent the afternoon with him, yesterday, needless to say he is not the best patient. He still is having a hard time saying what he is thinking and that frustrates him. He kept wanting to get up but couldn't because of all the stuff he is hooked up too. He just isn't used to sitting and doing nothing for long stretches. Even tho he doesn't do a whole lot at home, he does move around.
When mom and I got back to her place I helped get some stuff put away that the EMTS had to move out of their way, plus I cleaned up the bottom of the stair area so that there was a clearer path to the rest of the basement. I think I found what dad must have been going for, when he went to the basement, I picked up a bloody container of what was frozen juice. You see dad forgot to make sure that the light to the basement was on before going ahead down those stairs, plus he isn't supposed to be going down any stairs because of the his history of falling - per his doctor. I gotta say, it was rather difficult to see the blood at the bottom of the stairs and on the towel that was down there. He could have hit is head on anything down there, there is so much crap along the stairs and right in the area that he landed.
I am still trying to process all this and remain strong for mom - she is recovering from her second knee replacement surgery at the same time very concerned about dad. Thankfully my little sister has been all settled in her new place, away from the bad care she was receiving so mom doesn't have to worry about her quite as much.
The thing I am grappling with is DAD going from a strong, intimidating, argumentative, to this weak man that seems to be loving to me than ever before.
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