Continuing On

12/3/14 -- [8/2/14] The wedding that I was personally invited to was beautiful.  It awesome to see this young man happy.  I was totally surprised to see that he found someone so quickly but God works mysteriously and it was great that there was distance between them because if it wasn't meant to be then that was the test, as to whether the relationship was meant to be or not.  I was glad to be there, yet not so much, because of my son. On the one hand it was kind of torture to be at the reception and I was glad when the people that I rode with were ready to go.  When I got home, I just broke down, I was so exhausted and relieved to be home.
  Being alone really sucks, having no one in my apartment to discuss things with is really annoying and drives me crazy because it makes it so much harder to get all this crap out.  I have done a lot of crying, to the point that I am getting tired of crying.  I really can't believe that one person can cause so much pain in another person.  When I got married then divorced from my son's dad, I never imagined that his dad would me cause so much pain.  I never imagined that the man I thought had loved me so much would hurt me in the way that he did.
    Then to have our son, turn around and do the same thing, the difference being that our son and I were much closer, our relationship was much better, at least I thought it was.  Apparently, that had no bearing on how he is treating me right now.  The way he is acting is a 180 degree difference from the young man that came back from YWAM let alone from the young man that I raised.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea that this person who is treating me with such disrespect and rejection is my son, the child that I gave birth to and raised!  I am telling you, emotional pain is quite different than physical pain.  I can handle physical pain a heck of a whole lot better than this emotional pain. (with exception to headaches)  This emotional pain really makes me want to run for the hills!  Or, in many cases take your own life, like I once seriously thought about, at this point I was still thinking about, on occasion.  I can totally understand how you can get lost in the pain and see no other avenue but taking your own life.  Once that door is opened it is super duper hard to close it again on your own.  Now, for me the suicidal thoughts I was having terrified me into getting help.  Unfortunately or fortunately [however you look at it] I didn't go to my friends first. I went to my doctor, who referred me to the behavioral health department of the clinic, then I reached out to my friends, BUT an extremely small circle of friends to start with.  I was surprised to find out that some of these friends had also dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with.
  I think, at first I was either ashamed or uncomfortable with going to my friends, not sure which, hence the reason I went to my doctor. At least I went to somebody, truth be told, I really didn't want to die.