Such a Difficult Time

12/2/14 -- {7/23/14}  This was the start of an interesting series of days, I think.  Still working on getting out of this hole, still trying to process so much stuff, that it's unreal.  My friend D requested that I make a door hanger that said "do not disturb" so that when she is napping or something she can put it on her door knob and she won't be bothered by people in her apt building.   
     Sometime during the day I received surprise text from a young friend of my son's who I had developed a special friendship with, who was getting married, soon.  I had resigned myself to the idea that i wasn't going to the wedding or the reception, after all, I hadn't received an invitation.  Well, he text to seriously apologize for not making sure that i received one and he wanted to personally deliver an invitation himself, so we set up a time for him and his finance' to do that.  That really made me feel good.  So, then of course I had to go shopping for a wedding gift for them, first time I had ever done that.  I took a young M with me to do that.  I saw the next bride's mom at the store and we discussed colors of yarn because I already knew what I was going to make the next bride and her hubby to be for their wedding gift, and it had to do with their favorite colors.
   Little miss M persuaded me to purchase this awesome multicolored zebra print bigger couch pillow to brighten up my living room, after we were done shopping I took her home, then I went home.  The next day, I ended up going back to the store, in the morning to purchase another pillow, had to have two.  (Now, one of my cats has claimed one of them as his to sleep on) They are nice and soft, quite cuddly.  
     I did go to the wedding and reception later that day, which was nice. However, I had a difficult time at the reception because my son barely acknowledged my existence.  It was extremely difficult to see him having so much fun with his friends and not at least stopping to say "hi" to me. My son was in the bridal party which made it a guarantee that I would see him.  I was glad to leave when the Hauris were ready to go.
   I totally struggled with a lot of emotions during the past week and ongoing weeks.  The digesting of info and suggestions from the counselor, and Pastors, even the Psychiatrist.  Even the whole idea that I have to go to see a therapist is one for me to digest.  I just never in a million years, thought I would be having to see one.  The one thing that I really struggled with is missing my baby granddaughter, well all 3 of them, but the baby for sure: because I wanted to have a chance to watch her grow up and for her to know me as her grandma. (maybe even her favorite grandma)  Honestly, I am missing my son, going from being so close to having absolutely no relationship is a major loss to me.  This does feel like a loss, it may not be an actual loss, like permanently gone, but it's a loss nonetheless. What makes this so extremely difficult is the fact that they are in Monroe and (in my mind) there is no excuse as to why we can't resolve things.  No excuse other than his stubbornness.