Emotions

11/25/14 -- [7/20/14] Not only was I suppose to go to church because I had something to give to somebody but my mom was coming up to spend some time with me.  Whenever she comes up we always go out to lunch then back to my place to talk for a while.  I was really struggling with seeing all those people, but I did know that my son and family weren't going to be in town, which is unfortunate for them because that was part of why mom was coming up.
   My emotions are just so close to the surface right now that I wasn't sure just how I would react around all those people.  I have been extremely careful to not put anything on Facebook, as a matter of fact, I hadn't been I facebook much at all during the course of the worst of this.  
   So many things that I just didn't understand;  why I hurt so much, why my heart felt like it was broken, why my son rejected me, the one who brought him into this world and raised him alone, gave him everything that I possibly could without totally spoiling him rotten.  How I ended up in such a deep hole that I can but barely see the light and I do mean barely.  I can't even concentrate on the Word of God, let alone get a decent night of sleep.  The fact that I have considered taking my own life, even had a method, rather than confront and deal with this kind of pain; is something else that just blows my mind.
Emotional pain is sooooo much more painful than physical pain.  I can handle a lot of physical pain with exception to headaches, but emotional pain sure is a whole different ball game!  I had absolutely no idea just how painful a broken heart could be.  I thought I did when my ex husband rejected me, in the bedroom, after becoming pregnant and after having his child but that was nothing compared to this rejection!  Being rejection by your own child is pain like no other!  
   I after I bought these sweet notebooks, I started writing everything down.  I was able to write again.  The words just began to flow and flow, it was hard to stop at first.  I even ordered my favorite ink pens from the website so that I could have many different colors like I like to have when I journal.  It really helped to be able to write down all my feelings, it was an alternate way to vent my feelings since I really didn't have anyone to express them to, in my apartment.