Remembering.........

8/20/16 -- Here over that last couple of days I have been remembering the things that happened 2 years ago.  The things that happened to me back in 2014.  I have been thinking back to the events that lead up to my breaking down.  Then about how low I was that I literally wanted to commit suicide by semi.  Seriously, everyday I considered driving into a Semi as I drove home from work, the other option was the bridge pylon of the bridge that was down the road from where my son and daughter in-law used to live.
  Honestly, I find myself amazed that I had ever gotten that low, in my life.  Also, thankful that I reached out to someone who directed me to the right place for the help that I desperately needed.
As I look back I can most definitely see the hand of God, on my life.  He was guiding me every step of the way, even tho I was soo low that I couldn't see, feel or sense Him.  I really lost myself and my way thru life, I really felt that my life and just crumbled down around me as I was thrown away by my son. 
  Now, I am still in Counseling but I have come such an incredibly long way and I am so very thankful for all the people that have had a hand in that "comeback" but most importantly, I am thankful to God, Himself.  I say people, there were a few select people that helped me thru, my Counselor was the primary person that helped me navigate my way thru this.  God totally used him to direct me the right way.
  At this point I am now struggling my way thru with who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing with my life, in this season of my life.  I feel as tho I am supposed to be doing something but I am not sure what.  I have had so many things running thru my mind and I can't quite figure out which is the correct way or path.  Plus, I am struggling with feelings and emotions that I can't quite figure out or understand.  I am a single woman with a very small income, not a lot of the normal skills for the "work force" but I do have skill... I know how to bake and my stuff is pretty darn good; I know hand to cook and that is pretty darn good, well.  I don't know how to go about doing what I like to do and make money at it.  I was told once to find my identity in the things that I like to do rather than finding in thru the people that I have been around.  
  Then there are these dreams that I have been having, I had once recently that was so different from the others and stupid, however I didn't write it down like my Counselor wants me too plus I like writing them down.  I have been trying to remember that last dream so that I can tell my Counselor.
Dreams have a unique way of telling you something if you can stop and think about them.
  I am working for a couple that I am having issues with figuring out the dynamic in this household.  It just boggles my mind.  You see, the father in-law is living there and I just found out that he pays the rent and then some for this couple.  However, there is so little respect for this man it is ridiculous. When supper is prepared there is never any inclusion of the the father in-law.  I worked for 5 hrs, in the late afternoon/evening this past Thursday and when I made dinner, {the couple purchased chicken leg quarters for me to make for the boys, and I could actually include myself} I made sure that the father in-law was included to eat.  He so appreciated that I made a meal that included him because is was the first real meal that he has had in a long time.  He mostly eats sandwiches of one for or another because they don't feed him.  The fact that he forks over so much money into the household and he is treated like garbage, pisses me off.  I do know that he is reaching a point that he will be moving out and then they will be "up a creek without a paddle".
  There are times that I come out of that apartment and I am so overwhelmed and sometimes exhausted by the "stuff" going on.  I have been so detached from the people in this job, including the children, which bothers me. I just don't understand why I am feeling the way I am.  Altho, I have discussed this with my counselor and he seems to think that it is because she went and did something that is so against my beliefs and every fiber of my being that I have emotionally taken a step back.  Plus, I have considered the idea that it is a way to protect myself from the baggage that is young adult couple has, most especially the woman.......