2/15/17 -- I am still plugging along in this only second day of no job. I also still have yet to be paid for the one day this week. Being left in limbo really super duper sucks but I guess I will be just fine because I do have stuff around my home that I can and have been doing.
I also know that God has this under His perfect control so worry is something that I shouldn't do and am trying no to do. I do have to keep myself busy both in my mind and my hands so as to not worry or get bored.
There is something else that is weighing a bit on my mind; that is tomorrow I have to have biopsy of a "spot" in a very sensitive area that really hasn't gone away. This particular spot became blistered a couple of weeks ago, and was very sensitive but by the time I got in to see the Dr. the "blister popped" and he was thinking is should heal just fine but...after a couple of weeks it is still there, hence the concern and the biopsy. I am unclear what he is expecting to find or what he is speculating that it could be but I will inquire, tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it because of the sensitiveness of the area there will be pain and more sensitive than it is now.
I tell you something; I don't know if this because of my age, or what, I have issues going on really are such a pain in the rear. I have issues to with my left ankle (that can't be repaired unless the pain gets too bad), then there is the pain in my right foot by the big toe which is more inflammation of which I have been taking Aleve for til it finally isn't causing pain for long term standing and such. I also could use an Chiropractic adjustment but can't afford it. Altho, I know that the current insurance I have would cover a chiro adjustment but I also know that most chiropractors don't have the same techniques as the one that I normally go to.
I need to admit that I am kinda glad that I don't have to go to work because the mental state that this young woman deals with was wearing on me. I am almost 3 years out from the darkest time in my life and I have zero desire to back there. I have come such a long way and I don't want anything to get in the way of my further recovery. The one thing that I don't I can say is that I am a depression survivor - and successfully avoided committing suicide. I just wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't feel like I have to protect myself from the people that I deal with who I know are dealing with mental illness. I know that while I was working for and with this young woman, I was always in protective mode, I never allowed her to get too close to me, in any way shape or form. When I saw her this past Monday, when she returned from the psychiatric ward, she was definitely on her "happy pill" I am guessing that it was her new meds. To be honest it kinda scares me so I am sort of glad that i am not working with them anymore. I have no idea when I will again but I know that I can't wait til I get that text or call. I also know that I will be dealing with her man so that she doesn't have to be concerned with any of that type of daily stuff. She just can't seem to handle much of daily adult life and responsibilities, which isn't a good thing. She wasn't equipped when she was little, her family life was hard and for some reason it has effected her mentally, not to mention there is a family history of mental illness which doesn't help. I know that I don't get the whole story from her mom as far as how she grew up but regardless this mental illness won't be fixed overnight and I really hope that her man understands that. According to her mom this has been going on for years. Her mom makes it sound like that it's her man's fault but I disagree.
I don't care this young woman needs all the help she can get and her man, I believe is doing the right thing by wanting to make the necessary changes so that he can be home more with her and their boys because those boys need him since they don't seem to get the love they look for from her. Those boys are who I am concerned about that is why it is a good thing that their dad hasn't walked out and is willing to adjust his work life to accommodate being home more for them. There aren't too many men out there that would be willing to do the things that he has been willing to put up with and to do for his family. You see this couple aren't married that is why it is amazing that this man isn't giving up on his boys and want to try to rekindle the relationship with her.
I must reiterate that mental illness is nothing to mess with. Please make sure that if you are struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, hearing voices, and any other symptoms associated with depression, get help!!!!! I can't say that strong enough because getting the help you need is the hardest this to do because then you have to admit that you have a problem but that is the best thing for you to do. Please don't be concerned about what others may or may not be thinking about you because it doesn't matter; what matters is that you get help so that you can get better. You can recover from depression, you can get on an even keel from bipolar and any other mental illness so long as you take your meds. (yes sometimes meds are just fine, they sometimes are needed) and do what your counselor, physiatrist tell you do to. Also, please remember that any recovery is just as dependent on what you do when you aren't in with your counselor. The hardest thing to do is to get help but its the best thing. Suicide isn't the way out that you think it is - you leave people behind that mourn for you and don't understand what happened. Please talk to someone, even if you don't talk to family or friends talk to your doctor. That is what I did, I talked to my doctor who pointed me in the right direction for the help that I needed.
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